Last week was very hard for me. I have started to write about it here a dozen times and just didn’t know how to best express what went on. I’m still not sure the best way to say it, but I’ll try.
I had a friend. I thought she was a good friend, even a best friend. We talked all the time, in email, on a message board, in IM, on the phone. We’ve even met, so this was not just an internet friend. We shared a lot, though I was aware that she had betrayed another friends’ secrets in the past, so I never opened up to her as much as I would have liked. I defended her every time she got into trouble and tried not to question that she seemed to piss off a lot of people.
Last week, through a series of unfortunate circumstances, another friend pointed out to me just how much I was being used by this woman. Suddenly it hit me that I was right back in high school, succumbing to the whim of my girlfriends and jumping in circles for Bobby and John and JJ. Every time this woman needed something, I gave it unquestioningly and it just didn’t occur to me that I wasn’t getting anything back out of this relationship.
I had kind of a breakdown on Friday and did a lot of crying, which is unusual for me. I seriously felt like I was 16 again. I felt…. victimized. Abused emotionally. I once vowed that I would not allow myself to be that again, and somehow this woman managed to just sweep all that out of the way while I wasn’t paying attention.
After months of talking her down off of the figurative ledge, I finally realized that there’s no ledge and even if there was, she’s not on the edge of it. She just convinced and allowed me to believe that, as a form of manipulation. When a grown 25-year old mother of 2 feels like she can’t even sign onto IM to talk to her little sister because one particular woman might be online and say Hi, and doesn’t even want to get on IM to block her because it might hurt her feelings, that is a problem.
I finally did get on IM and blocked this woman. I won’t be taking her calls or emails anymore. I know she’ll take it as “she hates me, everyone hates me”, because that is her self-deprecating means of manipulation, but I don’t hate her. Quite the opposite actually, I care about her and I wish her the very best of everything. I just can’t be her mirror anymore, I can’t be the one to pull her back from the edge any more.