Faith

Chris tells me that I need faith. I think I do have faith – I just don’t believe in God.

I have faith that one day I’ll look back and know that leaving Drew was the best thing I ever did. I’ll know with absolute certainty that the pain of being alone is still better than the pain of being ignored and unloved by the person who has taken a vow to love and protect you.
I have faith that one day I’ll shake my head over how crazy over Chris I was. I will remember that loving and wanting someone is not enough, that they have to love and want you back, and that I deserve better than to throw myself continually at someone who is not interested. I have faith that one day I might even laugh about how obvious it is that it would never work out and I will stop tormenting myself over how his lips might feel on mine and how close I once was to finding out that very thing.
I have faith that a great and true friend is worth more than a temporary lover can ever be. I will learn that it is not always personal when someone doesn’t love me. No one can make their heart love another, just as no one can make their heart stop loving another, even when you want it to.
I have faith that I will stop cutting myself and that one day I’ll admire the scars and always let them be a reminder of how low, low can be. I will realize that the brief euphoria and the feel of my blood running down my arm is not a good enough reason to injure myself and that no one is worth spilling my blood over.
I have faith that I will want to work again, that I will feel proud of my talent again and that I can make enough money to support my girls and I.
I have faith that I will not always resent my kids and that I can look past the near constant whining and complaining and remember that they cannot help being confused and upset by the recent changes in their lives, anymore than I can help being depressed. I have faith that they will not be scarred for life if they watch too many movies while I try to find myself and put my life back together.
I have faith that I will always hear that still quiet voice in the back of my mind that whispers “stop, don’t do it” when I consider cutting too deep on purpose. I have faith that I will one day believe Chris when he says that “it doesn’t take strength, it takes weakness” to take one’s life.
I have faith – though it is hard to keep – that I will someday meet someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I feel, who doesn’t compare me to everyone they’ve loved and find me lacking; who gives more consideration to what’s inside than what’s outside, but who finds my outside beautiful too. I have faith that such a person does exist. I have to believe that one day someone will want to kiss me again.
I have faith that I will one day find peace and be able to quiet the demons in my head – that I will be happy and content in my own skin. I have faith that there is more than this life out there, though I don’t know if I’ll ever know what it is.
I have faith that I can figure out who Heather is. 

I have faith that my wishes on stars will one day come true. I will have clarity and self-worth and love.
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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

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