Disjointed

When he left I thought I would die. 
 
I was not prepared to be left alone, to have no one to hold me while I cried, no shoulder to put my head on, no husband looking out for me, no one to kiss me when I wake up and tell me “sweet dreams” at night. I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be to see him go. I didn’t realize I would miss him so much and that the smallest things would still hurt so badly six months later.
 
I don’t want him back. I do not want to live with his weaknesses and faults anymore, do not want to clean up his messes or be the counterpart to this man ever again. I am happier alone. I do not have to fight with anyone over dishes or laundry or whose turn it is to clean out the litter box or which of us is hogging all of the blankets. No one wakes me up at night snoring. I am happier alone.
 
So why do I have to keep repeating that to myself? Who am I trying to convince?
I spent 7.5 years with this man, constantly together. Living together, working together, sleeping together, fighting together, making and raising babies together. We were supposed to be together forever. I thought we would be.
 
Our girls are with me this weekend because he is entertaining a guest from out of town. A female guest. I should not care, do not want to care. I am a hypocrite for caring. But I can’t help it, I do care. I am eaten up with jealousy tonight and I don’t really know exactly why.
I am the one who asked him to leave. I wanted him to leave. It was the right decision. I just wish he hadn’t been quite so happy to go, or quite so eager to move on with a new life that doesn’t include me as anything more than “the ex” that he is rude to on the phone when other people are around.
 
I suppose I value what we had more than he does. Or maybe what I thought we had, we didn’t. Or maybe I wish I hadn’t asked him to leave. Or maybe I wish he would ask me if he could come back.
 
Or maybe I just wish I really was happier alone.
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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

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