I have always had a therapist, since my first visit in July 2006. It never helped, but I do/did have one. My diagnoses are Ultra-radian Cycling Bipolar I Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, with symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, but not enough to make it a diagnosis. Basically the doctors throw cutting & suicide attempts in under Borderline Personality, but it’s a product of my rapid-cycling mania and depression.
I know it’s not easy to understand. Maybe it’s impossible to understand. I’ve been told that I seem so normal. I’m not sure that there is such a thing as normal, but I’m pretty sure I’m not it.
I’m selfish and sometimes (often) very irresponsible. I hate housework so I do the bare minimum to get by. My house isn’t dirty but it is cluttered. I do dishes once a week, but then, we don’t often eat here so I can get away with that. I wash clothes on Friday because that’s when the clean clothes run out.
I have deep scars that cover my left arm from wrist to shoulder, on my breasts and stomach and on my ankles. I wear at least 3/4 length sleeves at all times, even when it’s boiling hot, because I don’t want to answer questions about my scars. I don’t like to be judged by them. I’m more than my scars and more than my disorders, though sometimes it’s hard not to define myself by them.
I drink too much sometimes, but in short spurts, and then I’ll go weeks without drinking a drop. Every now and then I’ll smoke a cigarette but I would die before I’d let my kids see me doing so. I smoke marijuana sometimes and I think it helps more than the psychotropic drugs do. I don’t drink alone. I don’t smoke anything in my house. I don’t smoke or drink during the week or when my kids will be around. I contain my irresponsible excesses to weekends. I love my neighbor and I allow him too much leeway with how he treats me, but he’s doing better so I have hope that as I learn not to let him affect me so much, he’s learning to be better to me.
I’m also fun, and funny, I think. I like to talk and sometimes don’t know when to shut up (like now for instance). I like to laugh. I make jokes to relieve my tension. I’m loyal to a fault. I’m a terrible procrastinator and I suck at getting to the post office. I used to be very organized and a wonderful WAHM. I used to run a very successful business that turned out 150 pairs of shoes a week, brought in $1-2k a month income and supported 15 international retailers. I’ve lost that and I don’t know where to even look for it, but I’m mostly okay with that.
I have a strong desire to connect with people, to try and make them “get” me. I have a strong desire to be taken care of and I’ve slept with a lot of people trying to find that. It seems so obvious but it’s taken me a long time to realize that that’s not really the best plan. I’m a mess but I’m learning to be okay with that too.