I go through phases. Distractions. Obsessions. It occurs when I am depressed, and don’t want to face work, bills, life.  Sometimes it’s my same favorite books, reread over and over, every night, sometimes for months.  For a while, it was sudoku.  Right now, it’s World of Warcraft, and Facebook’s Packrat game, and knitting an endless pile of washcloths in the same pattern, every color available. While these obsessions are ascendant, while my depression drives me to distract myself, everything else takes a back seat. I can’t concentrate on work, which is bad. I don’t pay bills, even worse. I hardly talk to my friends and family. I cut off friends, don’t return calls or emails. Instead, it’s the addictive call of whatever helps me block my biochemistry’s hold on me, if only for a few hours. But like all addictions, it’s dangerous. And the time’s come for cold turkey, though I hardly know (as I always do, which should give me strength) that I can do it. It’s not alcohol, drugs, or gambling, but the inattention to what’s really important is still there. That’s the scary part– that the distractions become all there is, because I’ve blown everything else. Wish me luck.

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

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