Mental Purge

My kids are not attending Stone Academy this year. The principal found out that we moved and decided that instead of sitting on this knowledge and letting us slide, he would reward an awesome volunteer and chairwoman of Arts Alive 2008. I’ve had to give up chairing Arts Alive for this coming year… I let the PTA president know today. I have enrolled the kids in the school down the street, which ranks right near the bottom in test scores and has a non-existent PTA. My kids are far less upset than I am. I want to throw up thinking about this, so I am spending a lot of energy avoiding thinking about it, which is why I haven’t posted about it even though I’ve known since early July.

All of my friends are there. I have no opportunity to see them outside of school. I don’t ever see Eric outside of school anymore. Now I don’t know that I’ll ever see him at all, or George, who has been counseling Lakin during school all of last year…. another service we just lost. So much for that.

Also, Lakin is going to be seeing a child psychiatrist, whenever I can get it together to get her an appointment. She is still having these social issues and I see the bipolar in her even now. Don’t I feel proud for passing on my very best genes! My child alternately loves me and hates my guts and she does it LOUDLY and when I say “alternately” I mean that her feelings change every 10 minutes or so. I can make her smile and two minutes later she will throw things across the room and tell me she wishes I would go away.

Drew sucks as a parent right now. I had an argument with him tonight outside of his apartment, with my mom and sister watching, because when I went to get money he owes me, Lakin was crying and when I asked why, he grabbed her away from me and said that I need to leave because I am upsetting her. She was screaming for me, I was crying, my mom was insisting that the kids go with us and he was telling Lakin that “your mother needs to just go away”. How very redneck. All because I asked why my child was upset.

Her answer, by the way, was “Daddy has been yelling at us since he picked us up and he said I could have ice cream and then said we couldnt”. His response: “she’s lying, like always, those are fake tears, she’s manipulating you.”

What else? I’m broke. I have applied to every place in town that I am remotely qualified to work at. Have had two interviews, which I thought went well but apparently not, as I have not a call back. I can’t drive, as my tags are long expired and I can’t afford a ticket or to have my car impounded. Not that I have gas money anyway.

I’m starting school next week. Art Institute of Pittsburgh Online… Associates Degree in Web Design and Interactive Media. I’m looking forward to it I guess. It’s the single decent thing I can think to post about.

That and the fact that I still have a half bottle of vodka, so I should be able to get through Saturday just fine.

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

Latest posts by Heather O. (see all)

  • Considerer

    Good GRIEF! Woman, what you been through and who you are today is nothing short of a miracle. *hugs*

    • Those were the dark years. I’m amazed I survived them. You should see the stuff that I didn’t make public… the private blog is a freakin’ disaster. I decided a few months ago to make it all public, just own it and put it out there. Then I went back and actually read some of it and… nope, it can just stay private.

      • Considerer

        Probably wise – you don’t owe anyone those truths, but know that they’re there just to see how far you’ve come. I have things like that in my past (the truths, not your experiences) but I reckon they can stay at rest, locked neatly away in a box marked ‘No Longer Relevant’