Stay positive!

After Addah was born, I was told that I might never be able to carry another child to term. Her birth was a difficult one, I was hospitalized for 6 days, and it left my uterus badly scarred. I wasn’t all that concerned when I first heard this, as I thought I was completely done having children. I suffered from what felt like post traumatic stress disorder for a long time after the birth, and this would get worse every year around Addah’s birthday, or when I discussed her birth with anyone. For years I went to great lengths to avoid doctors and hospitals, because I just didn’t trust them anymore.

Over time, my feelings have changed drastically. David and I have always known we wanted to have a baby together, but it never seems like it’s the right time financially. We haven’t been actively trying, but we haven’t been trying not to conceive either. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that to deliver another baby, I will have to have a scheduled cesarean section in a hospital, but I have made peace with my past births and will do whatever is needed to have another healthy baby.

On June 1, I got a positive pregnant test and we were ecstatic. I hadn’t been charting my cycles or anything, but my last period was on May 4th, so we figured our due date to be February 7, 2011. We shared the news with our families, but our happiness would not last. On June 10, I began to spot and late that night, I miscarried. Both of us were devastated and weren’t sure if we would want to try again. We took a couple of months off and then realized that we do still very much want a child together, so we began passively trying again.

My cycles are like clockwork, always have been, and with a very rare exception of 1-2 days, they last for 28 days. I am not sure of when I ovulate, because I haven’t temped/charted since 2000. My last period was on October 2, so my period this cycle was due on October 30. As of today, my period is nowhere in sight. I am on day 40 of my cycle, approximately 25 days past ovulation (assuming I ovulated on day 14 of my cycle).

I have been nauseous and having migraines since right before Halloween. I spent the majority of my birthday last week throwing up. I feel pregnant, even more so than I did last time. However, I’ve taken 3 home pregnancy tests and all have been negative. When I conceived Lakin, my last period was early in October but it was late November before I got a positive pregnancy test, so I feel like I could just one of those women who has low hcg levels at first. If I am pregnant, my due date would be around July 9.

I’m anxious and confused, but I feel like we will get our positive test soon. If not, that will be fine too… I just want to either have a positive test or for my period to show up, so we know what’s going on.

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

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