May, Be Fine – Stream of Consciousness Sunday

 This is my first time participating in “Stream of Consciousness Sunday”, hosted by Fadra of AllThingsFadra.com. The idea is to type for 5 minutes, a brain dump of sorts, and then to publish without editing the writing at all. Believe it or not, it helped me work through the the weight on my mind tonight.

#SOCsunday

May is a difficult month for me. I’ve had a lot of hard things happen during the month of May, in past years. I wondered the other day if May is harder because I expect it to be, because I am reminded of how hard May was before, in 2006 and 2007. Does that make it more difficult than it would normally be? Like, am I not letting myself heal, by setting myself up for “May will be difficult”?

My first wedding anniversary was in May, on the 27th. My marriage ended in May, and he moved out in May. I went on my first post-separation bender in May, and ended up in the hospital for observation overnight. The following year, my best friend died in May, 4 years ago this week in fact. A week after that, my cat died. I’d had him for 12 years.

May is such a pretty month, and I want to be enjoying the spring breezes and newly sprouting garden, but it’s still very hard to work through the pain of the past and actually focus on the here and now. Maybe next year I’ll be more successful.

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

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  • piafwalker

    I love all the suggestions here…and they are actually some of the things that have helped a family member not have bad “May months.” It has taken time, plenty of years, but new traditions have really helped the shift from dreading this month to living with it and enjoying it.
    Here’s to new May traditions and wonders!

  • Maybe start a new tradition for May? Spring is about renewal and you shouldnt have to relive hurt year after year. The memories wont go away but maybe they can be shared with some better ones? Good luck xo

  • My bad month used to be March. But somehow it just kind of faded. And I don’t notice anymore. I wish the same for you!

  • I hope May remains uneventful for me too, and I hope June extends the same courtesy to you. 🙂

  • I’m hoping the family garden can be the new tradition that turns sad memories into happier ones. Thank you!

  • I’m sorry that December is so hard for you. I wish you the best in
    letting go of those bad memories and forging new & better ones from
    now on.

  • Thank you! 🙂

  • Thank you for the advice and kind words. They mean a lot to me. Here’s
    hoping I can make the rest of this May (and all future ones) feel
    happier.

  • To new May traditions and wonders! 🙂

  • I hope that it will become easier as well. 🙂

  • Not a stupid idea at all, I love it! I actually planted a garden this
    year for the first time in many years and I really enjoy tending it with
    the kids and watching it grow. And you’re right, I think it may just be
    the thing that helps me start to enjoy May again.

  • That’s true Fadra, May has gone by faster this year than in past years.
    I’m really dealing with it much better than in the past few, but the bad
    memories do crop up a lot, especially late at night, and then I tend to
    dwell on them, whereas at other times of year, when it’s not “this is
    the anniversary of…” time… it’s easier to put them away and not
    think about them.

    It felt good to type it out and put it out
    there though, kind of empty it out of my brain and get it on paper, so
    to speak.

  • Thank you! 🙂