Indie Ink: Expecting

The two blue lines come up right away and my heart catches in my throat. I know I am long overdue, but I have been so sick, and that has been my reasoning for the lateness of my monthly visitor. I can’t wait to tell David, to share the news that once again, we have reason to be hopeful. Maybe this time we can stay pregnant and have the child we’ve been wanting together for so long.

We spend two weeks in blissful hope. Sure, I am still sick, throwing up and nauseous, dizzy at times, but I think this is a good thing, because it means I am growing a baby. I stay in bed a lot, trying to take it easy, give this pregnancy every opportunity to settle in and stay put. He is wonderful, insisting on fixing dinner for the girls whenever he is home, pouring drinks for me even though I am perfectly capable. He loves on me so well, curling around me and rubbing my belly while I nap in the middle of the day, exhausted even though I have done very little.

We walk through the baby store, pricing cribs and baby slings, imagining what it will be like to hold our baby. Will it be a boy or girl? What will the baby look like? How will the girls adjust? Can we afford this? We are confident that we will be fine, that we will work out whatever trials come our way, as we always have, as we always do. He stops suddenly, in the stroller aisle. He turns to me and says “we are having a baby, aren’t we?” and I grin. He hugs me, holds me tight and I feel safe. Things will be fine this time, I just know it.

Four days later, I wake up at 4am and realize that I am bleeding, just a little. I feel tears spring to my eyes, and I go back to bed, afraid to acknowledge the pink spotting for fear it will gain significance. The next morning, this morning, I am bleeding a little more. Still nothing conclusive, and he tries to convince both of us that our pregnancy will be fine.

I can’t find my hope today. I am sure that my body is failing us again. I feel like we are destined to keep reading the same pages in this storybook of our fertility, and never to find out how the story ends.

This post is for the Indie Ink writing challenge. This week I was challenged by The Drama Mama with “It was like a page from a story book… ” and had hoped to be able to write a much more optimistic post for this prompt.

My challengee was Carrie. I challenged her with “Time makes fools of us all” and she did a wonderful job with the prompt.

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

Latest posts by Heather O. (see all)

  • This strikes so close to home.

  • Tears. This is beautifully written response to my challenge. I hope things slow down for you and this is a new chapter in your storybook after all.

  • Thank you Steph, that means a lot to me. 🙂

  • Kir

    wow this one touched me so deeply. Oh my. I felt every emotion with you and the words were so beautiful. thinking of you.

  • I am so sorry things haven’t yet worked out for you the way you’ve hoped.  I’ve had multiple miscarriages, so I understand the feelings of defeat and longing.  Thanks for sharing this with us.

  • Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate that. Your post today really touched me as well.

  • Thank you Carrie. I wish none of us knew how this feels.

  • Amy L.

    May the fertility gods surround and protect you!

  • Oh my heart breaks for you. =( I hope everything turns out well for you, I’m sending you all the positive energy I have!

  • billy_flynn

    A familiar journey;  your writing pulls all the feelings together so well, good luck!

  • Shaylin Surratt

    Oh honey… Andy and I are thinking of you constantly.

  • I wish that wasn’t the case. Too many of us have to deal with it… it’s not fair.

  • Thank you Shaylin. You’re such a good friend. <3

  • Thank you!

  • Thank you for the positive energy. We’re trying to stay optimistic. 🙂

  • Thank you Amy!

  • Karla

    I’m so sad to read your words and wish you both (three) much luck in finding your way to each other.  

  • Thank you Karla. That means a lot to us.

  • so charged with emotion. I’m sorry you are having such difficulties

  • Thank you Carrie.

  • Oh, Sweetie! I hope things get better for you. I’ll say for now that I’ve been there and share my own story with you another time. Much love to you. If there’s anything I can do let me know!

  • I’d love to hear your story Crystal, when you’re ready to share it. Thank you for your thoughts & love!

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