Today is the 10th anniversary of The Destiny Manifest!
When I wrote my first blog post, I was 9 months pregnant with my older daughter. I had convinced myself I would have a June baby, but as the calendar rolled over to July, I realized that the decision was never mine to begin with. I was full of all sorts of mixed emotions, and I decided that I would write them down and get them out of my head.
Over the years, my blogging has changed and grown with me. My early posts seem kind of… juvenile to me now, like they were a part of some high school writing assignment that I didn’t necessarily want to do. I was focused more on recording the details for interested grandparents and family members, rather than writing about my feelings and emotions.
It wasn’t until 2006, when I separated from my then-husband, that my blog grew a heart and became “mine”. It has always been easier for me to write about the bad things than the good, and I felt like I could drop the pretenses that I had been sticking to for so long and just be myself.
On my blog, I no longer had to put on the smile and pretend like my husband was a great guy who was really trying very hard to support his family. I didn’t have to act like I wasn’t losing my mind, like I wasn’t ready to drink myself into oblivion… or maybe call the men in the white coats myself. I found that my blog was better therapy than my actual therapist, and much cheaper.
No one really read my blog, and certainly no one commented, so it was easy to tell myself that it was private, but a part of me still held back. I was terrified that my ex would use my personal turmoil to take my kids from me. I set up a truly private blog, just for me, and poured the worst of my crazy into that.
I don’t maintain that blog anymore, but I can still access it. I think, sometimes, that I should copy those entries here… that maybe it would help someone to see where I have been, and that there is hope of better things. Fear of rejection… my mental anxiety… is the only thing that keeps me from doing so. I really want to, but I worry about what people would think.
With much effort, I climbed out of that black hole and found happiness, finally. I remarried and realized how beautiful and happy life can be. I still struggle with bipolar depression, and I always will, but I never again want to be in that prison where I spent 3 years of my life. I spend a lot of energy now focusing on the joys that my life holds… on my children, my husband and our little life together.
At the end of my first decade as a blogger, I finally feel that my writing does reflect who I am. I love that I have readers and comments now, which I have never sought out or enjoyed before. At the end of the day, I am still socially awkward, and being an active participant in the blogging community is actually the most challenging part of blogging for me. I do appreciate the community that I have become a part of, and I am grateful for the support, in good times and in bad. I write for me, and because I always want to be honest about who I am, my writing fluctuates with my moods.
That’s life I suppose… only after surviving the darkest depths of Winter, can you truly appreciate the warm sunlight of Summer. I hope that during my next decade as a blogger, the Summer sun continues to be bright enough to ward off the Winter’s chill.
|I told David he should make me a cake… so he did.|