Starting Over

I lost a lot of myself when we moved to Texas. I don’t think either David or I realized what exactly we were getting ourselves into with this move, but it’s definitely been more difficult than I imagined.

There are a lot of good things. Great things, even.

David is doing very well at his job and he really enjoys the work. The experience he’s getting will be invaluable in the future, whether that’s within this company or another.

The girls love their schools and the neighborhood. They play outside every day in the fresh air and sunshine, and it makes me happy to see them playing with friends and being healthy and happy.

But there are not-so-good things too.

I am so homesick. I have been unable to blog, to write anything at all… just all caught up in my own depression and anxiety, feeling cut off from the world. The girls’ dad stopped being reliable in any way once we moved here, so child support is many payments behind. They try to call him and it always goes to voice mail, even on his birthday. I told him that he needs to call us from now on, because we’re always here and always answer our phones. He has not called. He tells me “his phone is broken” over and over. I don’t know another person whose phone stays broken as often as his does. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

My stress levels have been very high, especially when we were first here. I miscarried our baby in September and had to go to the hospital for yet another D&C. We have been heartbroken and made the decision to stop trying to have a child of our own. I got in touch with a doctor in Fort Worth and made plans to have a tubal ligation.

And then… the irony of my life kicks in.

Once we made the decision that I would have my tubes tied, we began using birth control. I have been sick, feeling very run down and tired, so there was very little sex going on anyway.

I thought I was getting the flu, but David wasn’t so sure, because my period never started and it had been more than a month since the D&C. I had a couple of pregnancy tests left over and I took them this past Monday.

Can you believe it… on freakin’ birth control?

The best part is that we have insurance now, through David’s job, so we already have a blood test confirmation, an official due date (June 20, 2012), and a doctor’s appointment (next Tuesday). I feel less stressed knowing I am in a doctor’s hands this time around… plus I just feel better because we got such a strong positive so early on, and that hasn’t been true of any pregnancy since Addah.

So… I guess we’re still on the roller coaster, hoping for the best possible outcome this time, because this is officially our last attempt at having a baby together.

Wish us luck?

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

Latest posts by Heather O. (see all)

  • Good luck on this pregnancy journey.

    This is how I got pregnant with my daughter. . .  I miscarried and five months later I was pregnant again.

    God works in mysterious ways.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  • Thank you so much Stasha! <3

  • So sorry to hear about the miscarrige, Sweetie. I’m still rooting for you guys with this one, though!

    Long distance hugs to you!