Yesterday was our little nephew Jasper’s 2nd birthday party. All week, we planned to go, and looked forward to going. When it came down to it though, we didn’t go.
I feel really bad for this, and it’s hard to explain to those that we love. We don’t want to hurt feelings, or have family angry with us, or thinking that we just don’t care. We care. We care a great deal, and that’s part of the problem.
David and I still struggle, every week, every day, sometimes every hour, with the loss of Clara. The smallest things — a certain song on the radio, a comment a stranger makes in passing, pink balloons on a neighbor’s mailbox — unhinge us. Something will strike a nerve with me, and I feel a lump in my throat, a pounding in the back of my head, hot tears rushing to my eyes. I look at David, and he’s looking back at me, and we both know that the other is feeling the same wave of pain. One of us reaches for the other’s hand, and we get through it.
We’re always waiting for the next time that grief will swoop in, out of nowhere, and we haven’t yet been disappointed. We tend to just avoid situations and things that we know will upset us, but even that isn’t as easy as you might think.
Even our television shows are full of babies lately.
The Walking Dead (spoiler) — baby and a c-section that kills the mother. I thought the baby was stillborn at first. We almost had to turn it off… it was hard.
Once Upon A Time — a memory scene where Snow White mentions that her baby daughter never spent a night in her nursery, complete with audio of a baby crying. We both cried, like babies.
Doctor Who (Season 6, Episode 12: Stormageddon) — adorable baby. That’s all it takes really… we cried.
Babies are everywhere. I notice that a lot more now that I’d rather avoid them, so as to not fall apart. There are a lot of babies in our families. Sisters, sisters-in-law, cousins (lots of cousins)… I am so happy for every new baby born, every new life that we add to our families. But oh god, it’s hard to be around.
I have to assume that this part passes at some point in the grieving process. David and I both have cousins with babies that we haven’t met, but would like to. We’re frozen by this desire to see/touch/hold the babies, and terror that we’ll fall to pieces if we’re in the same room with them.
We’ve missed out on happy moments because of our grief. I haven’t been able to babysit my niece and nephew like I had planned, because it was too hard to be around them all of the time. We missed Jasper’s birthday party, because it was a particularly hard weekend of missing Clara, and we knew we couldn’t handle being around little ones.
It’s frustrating and heart-breaking… and I don’t know if we’ll ever get over it, but I hope so. I really don’t want to be stuck in this repetitious and painful blur of grief for the rest of my life, and I know David doesn’t either.