It’s one of those weeks.
Nearly every time someone has asked me how I am doing, since Clara died, I have said “I’m okay, I guess. Some weeks are better than others.”
Well this is one of the others, the bad weeks.
The bad weeks have gotten a little further apart, allowing me more days when I can do more than just go through the motions of a productive life. I’ve had more days when I catch myself belly laughing at one of the girls’ silly jokes, or planning what we’ll do for vacation over Spring Break. There have been more days when I don’t realize until I’m going to bed that I only thought about Clara once or twice all day, or that it’s been a whole week since I last cried.
A couple of weeks ago, I was running errands and I sang along to more than half of Semisonic’s “Closing Time” before I remembered that it was the song that was playing when Clara was delivered and it was confirmed that she had died. I think maybe that was the beginning of my current state of depression, the realization that I had almost forgotten, just for an instant, and the suffocating guilt and despair that came with that realization.
And now the world is full of seven month old babies, everywhere I look. They’re giggling at the grocery store, hanging over their mama’s shoulders at the post office, gnawing on their fists at the yarn store… even gazing at me from the backseat of the next car over when I’m getting gas. They fill my Facebook feed, their beautiful chubby cheeks and bright eyes making me smile while my heart is breaking and my eyes are overflowing with tears.
So I stay home. I avoid the computer. I blog in my head, but can’t bring myself to sit down and type some days. I help my husband rearrange furniture so that we have a small TV in our bedroom, and my first thought is, “now I don’t even have to get out of bed if I don’t want to”.
This week will pass, and hopefully the next one will be a better one. Hopefully I will feel more like engaging with my daughters, and my husband, and even my neighbors.
Hopefully next week, everything won’t hurt.