Random Struggles

This week is filled with random struggles.ย The beginning of the month is always hard, as I am consumed with thoughts of how old Clara would be (8 months now), what she would be doing (crawling? standing? saying “dada”?) and images of what she might have looked like by now. Then I have to go look at my photo albums so I can remember what Lakin and Addah looked like at 8 months old. It’s a special kind of torment.

By mid-month, I’ve usually pulled it together some and I can get things done as they come up, cross things off the to-do list, but as the end of the month approaches, I start thinking about how it’s almost the beginning of the month, almost the 1st, almost another entire month that she would be older now. And it starts all over again, the ugly cycle.

I can’t imagine that there might be a day when I won’t know precisely how old my third daughter would have been, if she had lived. Will I still be tormenting myself when she would have been 3 years old, 10 years old, 17 years old, 30 years old? Yes, I probably will.

Random Struggles - My older girls at 8 months
Lakin and Addah at 8 months old

My oldest little brother and his wife are due with their second baby this coming Saturday. They found out they were pregnant on the day that Clara died. I am very happy for them, but I am a nervous wreck as their due date inches closer. I refuse to entertain any thoughts of bad things happening, though they bump around in my mind against my will.ย I am eager for the phone call that tells me that my new nephew is here, safe in his mama’s arms, nursing happily while his proud daddy and big sister look on.

I feel like I have more to say, but the words aren’t coming this morning. I feel like this litany of my random struggles is too disorganized to even be published, but it’s the best I’ve got for you today.

I’m linking up several places today for Wordful/Wordless Wednesday…

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Fresh Mommy Blog parenting BY dummies
Wordless Wednesday by David Good Girl Gone Wife
organic-mama.ca 5 Minutes for Mom

12 Replies to “Random Struggles”

  1. Oh, sweetie. I think that mothers never, ever forget. But, I do believe, in time, your heart will also swell with many memories of the ones you have here with you and will hopefully lessen that pain. My mom lost her oldest son two years ago on April 2. He (my brother) was only 49 and there’s never a day or a phone call that she doesn’t mention him. But she has now said that she can look back and smile instead of crying. It will take time. Give yourself time. And know that people all over who get a chance to read your thoughts are sending you lots of hugs and love.

  2. My mother told me that mothers never get over losing a child. My heart breaks for you, but I know in time the pain becomes less. I pray that the day comes soon for you to have peace.

  3. My heart is with you. I couldn’t imagine what you are going through. Just know our Bloggy friends are here for you. ((Hugs))

  4. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I am glad you have an avenue to shout out what is on your mind.

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