I’ve done a lot of soul searching lately, because I feel like my blog has changed in ways that I’m not happy with.
I used to just write, just blab whatever was on my mind, whether it be happy or sad or ugly or whatever. Now I find myself blogging in my head, but then I worry about whether I have an appropriate picture to go with the post that I haven’t even written yet, and what would be the best title, and how best to format the post, and wondering if I should add text to the picture to make it “pinterest-ready” and… and I feel overwhelmed, so I never end up writing the damn post at all. I feel like I’m writing less and less, when I’m actually wanting to be writing more and more.
I’m still struggling a lot with the loss of Clara. I’m dealing with depression and sadness and frustration and worry. I’m struggling with coping with tween daughters and their ever-changing attitudes. I’m struggling with a bipolar and now-hormonal child who balks at absolutely every turn. I’m always afraid that the collective “you” don’t want to read about that – that I’m talking about Clara too much, that I should “get over it” (as I’ve been told more times than I can count), or that I shouldn’t be putting my daughter’s mental issues “on display” (as I have also been accused of). The thing is, this is my blog, and it’s what is going on my life. These are the things that I want to (need to) write about.
I have an inbox full of sponsored posts to write over the course of the next month or so, and that’s fine… I mean, my family has to eat, and we have rent to pay, and any money that I can bring in helps. I just don’t want The Destiny Manifest to evolve into a sponsored, perfectly search engine optimized, pinterest-ready shadow of what it used to be. I can balance both… I just have to figure out how.
I’ve been blogging for almost a dozen years, since July 2001. I’ve changed a lot since then, in a million infinitesimal ways, and most of my changes have been good ones. I’m a better writer than I was at 21 years old, for one thing, and one only needs to click back through the archives to those ancient posts to confirm that. I’ve recovered (and continue to recover) from a lot of ugly shit — addictions, depression and grief, just for starters.
I’ve lived out bad relationships and a divorce on these pages. I’ve raised two children with this blog. I feel like it’s as much a part of me as anything, and I want to get back to writing from my heart, without care for whether the title is a good long tail keyword or whether the post has been amplified the proper number of times (and at the most opportune times of day) via social media.
It’s a hard cycle to get out of, the worrying and endless optimizing, but I am going to try and get back to just writing, just being me, letting it all hang out, so to speak. I hope you’ll stick around, because I think I’m a much more interesting person than I may have been letting on. I hope you will think so too.