Recently, a friend said to me that guilt is a wasted emotion.
I’ve spent the better part of a year tormenting myself with guilt over Clara’s death. I’ve had countless people tell me that I shouldn’t feel guilty, that I did nothing wrong, that I couldn’t have changed anything, that I couldn’t have known what would happen.
Some of that I agree with, and some of it I don’t. None of these things have struck me with the force of what my friend said to me, though.
Am I guilty of misjudgment, too much pride and hubris, trying to “play God”, and ignoring medical advice to my own detriment?
Yes, surely I am guilty of some of that, if not all of that.
Does it matter? Does it bring my baby back to my empty arms?
No. No, it does not.
I have been punishing myself for long enough, I think. Guilt is a wasted emotion, and my emotions are too valuable to waste any longer.
Parents who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, an infant, or a child, are familiar with being told to “get over it”. I’m here to tell you that we will not, and should not, get over the loss of our babies. They are just as special to us as our (or your) living children are. They will never stop being our children, and one does not simply get over a loss like that.
I am going to get over my guilt, though. It is time. I have been well and mightily judged for my part in Clara’s death, even if only by myself.
I am ready to stop wasting my emotions. I am ready to spend my energy loving all of my children, loving my husband, honoring Clara’s memory, and cultivating magic and happiness in our home again.