Mother’s Day 2013

I have been a mother for almost a dozen years, and this is the first Mother’s Day that doesn’t feel completely happy.

I am grateful, of course, so grateful for my daughters, Lakin and Addah. They make me smile. They make me cry. They make me angry, and they make me laugh like a crazy person. They are wonderful spitfires, and they make me a better person than I ever could have been, every day of my life.

I would be nothing without them, and I know this completely.

They are beautiful, and I love them so very much.

I have been showered with a breakfast in bed, handmade cards, and a sweet little potted flower. They are trying very hard to be good to each other, and I am grateful for their deliberate kindness.

I would change only one thing about this Sunday, that our baby girl could be here today. I have no idea what she would look like now, but I imagine she would be a lovely amalgam of her big sisters. She might have Addah’s elfin chin, Lakin’s big bright eyes, and David’s handsome nose. She could have slept late with me today, waking up to nurse while I enjoyed my breakfast of eggs, bacon, and buttered toast. Maybe I would have had to pry her sister’s handmade card from her pudgy fingers, so she wouldn’t teethe on it.

I will never know. She will never be here in my arms on a Mother’s Day, and this will never fail to make me sad. Her sisters are here though, always ready to hug me, kiss my face and tell me they love me, and this will never fail to make me happy.

I have been a mother for almost a dozen years, and it is the best thing I have ever done.

Mother's Day Collage

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers – those with their arms full of their children’s hugs, and those with their hearts full of children they cannot hug, and those, like myself, whose hearts and arms feel both full and empty. You are all in my heart today.

 

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

Latest posts by Heather O. (see all)

  • Anita Sullivan

    Happy Mother’s Day- I’m thinking today of all those mom, including mine who have a missing child and would give anything for a call or card. And for those who have lost a sweet one.

    • Thank you so much, Anita. I hope you had a lovely Mother’s Day!

  • Catherine

    Beautiful post! I’m so sorry Clara is not with you today…xx

    <3

  • Wonderful post and loved the picture collage. I truly am so sorry for how the loss of Clara is weighing heavy on you today though and just know I am thinking of you.

    • Thank you for reading, and for thinking of me, Janine. I hope you had a beautiful Mother’s Day!

  • Thank you for a very touching and beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss. What a bittersweet day for you. I think you captured the feelings of being grateful and happy for what you have and yet still feel such profound loss at the same time. Thank you.

  • Zeta Toledo

    Gorgeous post, I am sorry for your loss. Even so, I hope you had a beautiful mother´s day

    • Thank you Zeta! I did have a very nice Mother’s Day. 🙂

  • My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you were not able to hold her. This was a touching post.

  • Heather this breaks my heart that you will never know what it feels like to have your little girl with you on a Mother’s Day. It will probably be the most bittersweet day every year for you. I am still glad you got to enjoy your other two beauties.

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
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