The Absence of a Particular Friend

Stream of Consciousness Sunday
This week, I’m participating in “Stream of Consciousness Sunday”, hosted by Jana of Jana’s Thinking Place. The idea is to type for 5 minutes, a brain dump of sorts, and then to publish without editing the writing at all.

It’s been a hell of a week.

We had the support and love of so many this week, these past few weeks, this year, but the absence of a particular friend weighs heavily on my heart. I know that friends sometimes come and go, and I have seen the disappearance of a couple of good friends in the last few years, but this one… she’s not supposed to come and go. She’s supposed to be here, my sister by choice, my best girl, and I miss her.

I wonder if it’s something I’ve done or said. I wonder if my grief is just too much for her to handle, or if she blames me for Clara’s death but doesn’t want to say it. I wonder if she’s just moved on, found other friends. I hate to admit to such a petty emotion, but I am overwrought with jealousy of those other friends.

She’s my friend, after all. We’re supposed to rock on the porch together when we’re old and grey… even after the men have gone, we’ll still have each other. We’ve joked about that for years.

How can she move on without letting me know? Or… did she? Maybe she’s just busy? Maybe I’m overreacting… over emotional? It wouldn’t be the first time. I’m not the most emotionally balanced person this week; I will admit it.

I miss my friend though. I miss you a lot, dear friend, if you’re reading this.

The Absence of a Particular Friend

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I'm Heather, a married mama of two teen girls, a stillborn baby girl (7/1/12), and a sweet and wild preschool girl (4/2/14). I've been blogging at The Destiny Manifest since 2001. I like to write about appreciating all of the beautiful little things that surround us, particularly in the face of grief, infant loss and mental health issues. Every day is an adventure!

Latest posts by Heather O. (see all)

  • I have had friends come and go, too (as you know) and as old as I get it never gets easier when you trust someone and then they let you down. I have to constantly remind myself that sometimes that is just the way it is meant to be even if it isn’t quite the way, I would choose it to be (if that makes sense).

    • No, it never gets easier. I tell myself the same thing — some things are just meant to be (or not meant to be) — but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier, unfortunately. I knew you would understand, Janine. {{{hugs}}}

  • Chris Carter

    I have been where you are at right now… it’s just an awful feeling!!! I am so sorry… What helps me most is just to place it in God’s Hands. When you feel like you have no idea what to do or what is going on- perhaps trying to let go and let God is the best way to endure those painful thoughts and feelings.

  • Leslie

    This post really hits home with me, I have had a few friends like this and it is so hard to deal with.

    Thank you for linking up to Raising Imperfection!
    Make sure to check back on Friday to see if you were featured.

    • I don’t think it ever gets easier to deal with either. Or if it does, I haven’t reached that point yet. Thanks for hosting, Leslie!

  • Agh .. this is so heart wrenching Heather. It’s especially tough when we lose those that we rely on so much sometimes .. even more so if we don’t know the reason they stop calling us back, or seeing us.

    My heart goes out to you dear friend.

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
    Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. 🙂

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  • I’m so sorry, Heather. This is so hard to read, I’m sure it’s hard to live. I miss some dear friends, too 🙁

  • Considerer

    *hugs* I hope one day this situation will come right for you x

  • Oh I know these feeling so well. It sucks! I really think the best thing to do would be to try to contact her and find out what’s going on. I have found so many times that I was blowing something way out of proportion. OR, if something IS wrong, best to try to get it aired out and get your friend back! I wish you all the luck with this. (((HUGS)))

  • So sorry to hear this Heather. Don’t we always think that things will get easier and that the pain of a friendship ending won’t hurt as much when were ‘grown up’ as it did in school..?.. and it just doesn’t work that way. I hope you and your friend can reconnect.